Now that the worry and fear of the first day of the year has blown over, I can safely say.... we made it.
Charlie and I rang it in very simply. We said cheers at a speakeasy next door followed by a quick run to our favorite chicken tenders and fries shop. The joys of living in Williamsburg. Surrounded by so many options, we picked the closest one, had some comfort food and called it a night. I wouldn't have had it any other way. The older I get the more I realize all i want is to look into the faces of people I know, have a drink and a laugh and enjoy their company.
I've been thinking a lot these days about what it means to truly enjoy my life. I got into a habit where I wished I could fast forward it. I wanted to skip all the messy parts and get to the part where I'm THAT girl. Financially free, thriving, and working at a job that fufilled me. I kept telling myself that i just needed to push throw this part. Stay consistent and committed until I get to the part that "actually matters". The part where I could finally get to the mountaintop, rest my feet, and never have another problem that makes me cry in every morning mediation. Because of course, thats exactly how life works. The thing no one prepared me for as an actor is that most of it feels like this. Sometimes you have these really beautiful flashy moments that make you feel so lucky to do what you do and other times you have moments where you have to convince yourself that even after all this rejection, you should keep going. I never realized that the later part is what I would have to dedicate everyday to figuring out how find joy around.
It is not a normal thing to get up and do your very -most- prepared -best everyday, be told no, and come out of it so unscathed that you still have enough confidence to do it again. In corporate jobs there is a ladder and after a series of tasks, good behaviors, and a dash of luck, you make your way to the top of it. In theatre you can be at what some people would consider the top and find yourself having to find your way back there again. The reason you were knocked down having nothing to do with you but something called timeing. That thing that dictates everyone's life but somehow you feel like yours most especially. When I think about it too much I go down the dark realm of how unconventional the path I chose is and I wonder if I am of the faint of heart who has no business doing it.
But while I do the same thing over and over again and convince myself that that is not the defintion of insanity, i'm realizing that too many of my days have become "get through it days". I'm not enjoying my life because a part of me truly believes there is nothing to be enjoyed until it is "my time". No wonder I've been so depressed lately. I actually believe i'm not allowed to enjoy my life until it looks a certain way. Can't focus on building my own garden because i'm too busy looking at someone else's. The garden next door with its covered roots made up of a journey of twists and turns that turned into the beautiful flowers I can only see from where I'm standing. We forget that no one just arrived here by accident. We all have a story and it would be a waste to disregard your own story as if it isn't one of the things that makes you so beautiful and unique.
I don't want to spend everyday making it through the next. Telling myself that I am not worthy of beautiful simple joys and truths in the midst of everything around me. The power of abundance is so incredible. When I have a lack mindset everything gets put under the umbrella of "unlucky". The burnt toast symbolizes the beginnings of a shitty day. I get water sprayed on me by a nearby car, clench my hands into fists and scream "why God why?!" as if He or She themselves is having a ball watching me be miserable. And I watch my dwindling bank account behind covered eyes thinking I am a million miles from where I'd like to be. But when i'm living abundantly, in the present moment where I have everything I need, the world starts to open up. And by this i mean taking into account everything that is already mine. My super sweet tiny charming non instagram-worthy apartment full of so much love and laughter between my partner and I. My best friend who I can chat with on the phone for hours ranging from the most mundane things to the deepest thoughts that percolate my mind. The Actors on Actors interview segments on youtube that inspire me so deeply to keep going. The perfect cup of coffee made with just enough water poured into my amazon bought instant coffee machine. The little girls I babysit who manage to make me feel so loved even though I'm the one catering to them. The feeling I get when a really exciting audition hits my email box. I am a walking dream of everything i've always imagined. Sure i never imagined the crippling debt when I was younger. But I did imagine the boyfriend, the perfect best friend, and the charming little Brooklyn Apartment. And if I don't take the time to enjoy some of my greatest dreams manifested than I will have spent my entire life watching all of it pass me by.
You don't have to have it all together to be allowed to enjoy it.
And if you learn to enjoy it now, just wait and see what happens when your wildest dreams start coming true.
Ally my love, Ci
PS: Here's a photo of the most incredible cinnamon roll my friends and I got up at 7 in the morning to wait in line for. Worth it, if not for just the memories alone.
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